If you read my last blog post, you know that God waited until I was at my weakest before he helped me, before he leaned in and sent His girls to assist me. There is a reason God has to go to such drastic measures to get my attention. I would never have heard them otherwise. I would never let down my guard long enough to let someone crawl in and see me needing them. I whine and whine that I want him to help me but here is the the real reason I don’t hear him.
Because… I don’t like to ask for help.
I hate it. I DETEST IT. It hurts me in small inner places to ask for help. If you could see me right now I am violently shaking my head back and forth. NO NO NO NO NO NO.. On any level really, but the bigger the issue.. the less I am going to ask for help.
Let’s take something really small perhaps. THE GROCERY STORE. I get these emails about ways to eat healthier, and it includes foods that I have never heard of, like coconut flour tortilla chips.
So, I go to the grocery store and go through the ENTIRE store looking for these chips. I check the chip aisle. nope. I check the healthy food aisle.. negative. I check the fresh food, the baking aisle and the end caps, even the toothpaste aisle no.no.no and no
An employee sees me, sees the look on my face and comes over and asks me “Can I help you find something?” And do you know what my answer is ??? “no thank you.” I can not admit to this person that I am attempting AND FAILING at finding something. LB just stares at me like I have two heads.. “Why did you tell that guy you didn’t need help? You have been complaining for 20 minutes about these chips!” and I of course will shush him, so not to be overheard by the store employee. I would rather leave the store without it. And I will. As I check out, the cashier will of course ask me, “did you find everything ok?” And I of course will lie and say “yes thank you!!!”
Please tell me I am not alone by this!!! Please tell me what vitamin I am deficient in that causes this brain response.
I am the same way when I drive, of course. I could never stop and ask for directions. NOPE NOPE not ever. I will get there eventually, but maybe not today. The odds are in my favor that I will eventually find Beach Street!! It has to be somewhere in this town.
The internet has been so helpful to a person like me living a lie that we know everything and do not need the assistance of others… It allows me to ask an electronic device without having to admit any weakness at all to anyone. Just last week when I was in Target and couldn’t find LB’s earbuds he needed for school, I just went to their website and it told me exactly what aisle they were in. So there must be more people like me out there in the world!!
Google is really my BFF, but don’t tell anyone. She never judges me or laughs at my lack of knowledge as I expect others might. “You don’t know where coconut flour tortilla chips are?? HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Really?? Hey John, THIS lady doesn’t know where the coconut flour tortilla chips are!!! Can you believe how stupid she is???”
I really don’t know where this fear comes from, but it is a fear. A fear of being seen as weak. And a wise man told me once that my need to be seen as strong actually BECOMES a weakness for me. How deep is that? It circles around and still becomes a weakness, my ultimate fear. And God has to find me through all this, all this brokenness and help me. He has to wait until I am not paying attention, to where I don’t care who sees me, I can’t take it anymore, and then he sends in a lifeline. Why do I make it so hard? What would life be like if I just walked into the store, walked right up to the counter and said “Hey, I need some coconut flour tortilla chips. Can someone help me find them?”
…..if you are reading this, and I have EVER asked you for help. Consider yourself very lucky. Cuz that means I heart you alot and I trust you with my broken-ness
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