Moms got your back.

Lil bear was exceptionally rude to me today.  How does one go to bed at night with kisses from his mom and snuggles and wake up and hate her??
Everything I said and did this morning was met with disdain.  And finally when I took him to school, when we were trapped in a car together, he really let me have it.
“You are ALWAYS running late, I’m tired of it.  I would just like to get to school early sometimes!!  If you could just get up!  Geesh, mom, it isn’t that hard.  You need to be up by 6:30 so you can get my lunch made before you drive to school!!”
I just stare at him.  The monster I have created…  I am not going to argue with him.  I am not ruining both our days by spewing the hate and anger back on to him.  I just want to know why?  Why don’t you see all that I do, I do for you.  Why don’t you see that I voluntarily do this because I love you?  And that love is so special.  And if you knew how much I loved you and did for you..You would never raise your voice to me.  You would not speak so harshly about me.
He got out of the car and slammed the door.  No goodbye, no thank you and definitely not any love…
I thought about my mom all the way home.  I was not an angel to my mom and I won’t pretend that I was.  But I tell my kids now that I put no person above my parents.  They did an awful lot for me.  And I rarely acknowledged it then so I will acknowledge it twice as much now.  If that phone rings and it is my parents, I am taking that call.  And we will talk as long as they want until they say they have to go.  When my mom calls me up and says she needs xyz….I got you mom.   And I would NEVER raise my voice to my parents now.  I may not have honored that when I was lil bear’s age though.
I get home and there is an email from LB..  “I forgot my IPAD.  Please bring it to me. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE”
And now you call in a favor?  Oh honey, the things I would like to tell you.  You don’t have any favors banked!!  Now you want to be super nice so I will help you?!?!
I don’t remember my mom ever bringing me anything up to school when I was younger.  Maybe that is because I was an exceptional child who never forgot anything.  Or maybe it is because I don’t remember all she did for me.   I am going to say it is the first reason..
But I do remember when I was in high school; my mom and I had a lot of issues.  I was all grown and didn’t need anything from nobody..Except some food in the fridge..and maybe heat..and a place to sleep, and a phone..LOL   But I took all that for granted, sound familiar?
I remember one day in science class, maybe junior year, we were going over our homework.  A girl that I had been friends with in middle school, but we didn’t hang out in the same crowds anymore, came over by me and asked if I had my assignment done.  I said yes and she asked if she could copy it.  It was real simple multiple choice stuff so she started quickly writing down the A,B,C’s down the paper.  We both looked up and saw the teacher walking towards us.  We were caught.
He told us both to go to the front of the class, where he began publically scolding us for what we had done.  And then he said something to her that still stings to this day..
“I would expect this from Sara…But I wouldn’t expect this from you.  You are a cheerleader and know better.  Why would you share your homework that you worked so hard to do with someone who obviously doesn’t care or know enough to do it on their own??”
I had done the homework!!! It was mine!!  You could clearly tell I was the one holding the finished product while hers was only half done!!  And he had just announced that to the entire class??  What do you mean you expect that from me??  I had never ever been caught cheating before this moment or after it for that matter!!  The only time I had been in trouble before this moment in high school was for reading a Cosmo in Algebra.  (I got a detention.  Really?  I was learning about stuff I would actually use one day!!)
I went home and told my mom what had happened.  And she marched right up to the school and let them have it.  My momma had my back.  I was probably not nice to her that day and maybe the day after.  I hadn’t realized yet that I should be nice to her.. I knew she had me.
I grabbed LB’s iPAD and headed to his school and dropped it off in the office.  He won’t thank me today or tomorrow.  But one day he will.
As I was walking out of the school another mother saw me and asked if I too was dropping off something left at home this morning.  I smiled and said yes I was.  She said “I thought about not bringing it up here to teach her a lesson..But then I had mom guilt and next thing I knew I was in the car.  Cuz that’s what moms do.  They got your back, right?”
Yes they do.  If only we were nicer to them every once and awhile.


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My Baby Bear is in the back seat talking to me about her day.  We are on the way to school and have been awake for about an hour and half.  I reach for my coffee and realize I have already drank it all.  I feel exhausted.  I look in the mirror (gasp) and wonder why I leave the house looking like this.  like something out of Tales From the Crypt.  I quickly look back at the road..
I am only part way listening to her, if we are being honest.  I am already thinking about dropping her off and then zooming off in the rocket ship to get to work.  Grab a cup of coffee and start the day.
*Don’t forget to email lil bear’s teacher.
*And transfer funds to my husbands account.
*And call the dr.
*And what should we make for dinner tonight?
I am brought back to reality by a glorious sound.  My daughter’s laughter.  It is not a huge chuckle..  It is a little giggle like she has a special secret.  It sounds so precious.
I ask her what is so funny as I look in the rearview mirror and see her face and just.stop.
The look of PURE JOY is across her face.  Do you know the look?  She is lit up, rosy cheeks. a twinkle in her eye and the biggest smile.  She is down right giddy.  What could she have possibly said that brought her so much pleasure?  I haven’t bought her anything.  It isn’t a special holiday, a weekend or even Friday.  We have no special plans that day or really any day coming up.
This is just a random mid-week morning in March in Wisconsin. We are on our way to school.  What do you  have to be so happy about??
And then she tells me. ” Oh, mom.  I was just thinking what I was going to do at recess today.  We have two playgrounds. I was thinking maybe I will play on the big one today.”  She stops and smiles.  “But sometimes they chase you and tag you over there!!!”  AND she giggles all over again. “Or maybe, I will take my coat off because we get hot and run around with my friends and pretend to be fairies!!”
I kiss her on the cheek and she exits the car, off on her new adventure.  She skips up to the school door and turns around and waves at me and blows a kiss.  She disappears inside.
I am sitting alone in the car. And I am afraid to admit to you what I was feeling.  I am jealous.  And a little mad. and very sad..
I can’t tell you the last time I felt that way about ANYTHING!!! And definitely not something so small.  Maybe when we first got engaged.  I was giddy.  I smiled constantly.  But that is a BIG lifetime event..  Not just a Tuesday game of tag.
I am jealous. I don’t know how to find that Joy out of everyday things anymore, if I ever did.
My daughter has always had a special relationship with God.  She tells me she talks to him, or more importantly He talks to her.  She used to look at a sunset  and say “God made it so pretty for us, mommy. ”  Once, when I scolded her for using Jesus’s name as an exclamation she went to prayer and asked Him if he minded.  He said He didn’t….

I wonder if this relationship she has is partly why she is always filled with Joy.  Or if it is because she is 7 and the world really hasn’t done her wrong yet..
Whatever the reason is it makes me sad.  Life is so hard right now.   And I am Jealous of my lil girl.  I am MAD.
I stare at her from within this pit.  It is so dark down here.  And she is smiling at me from the top.   How do I get to her?  How do I find that Joy?

8 years ago..

My husband made a comment to me yesterday that was pretty simple..
If you would have seen me 8 years ago….
We are newly married and only knew each other for a few months before we got engaged.
I thought back to 8 years ago.   Doesn’t seem so far back, but for both of us apparently it was a different person ago..
Talk about not a pretty time in my life.  8 years ago, I had just found out I had a blood disorder.  I was put on life saving medicine but was warned that I couldn’t conceive while on the medicine.
Well, my body took that as a challenge and I got pregnant.  I remember the day I found out we had stopped to pick up the test and grabbed lunch at McDonalds.  We got home and took the test mid day.  INSTANTLY POSITIVE.  (My ex ordered me to take another test because he felt the Shamrock Shake might deliver false positives… )
Although being pregnant is a blessing, we were very scared about what damage the medicine could have done to the development of the baby.  The first doctor recommended terminating the pregnancy. I couldn’t deal with that answer so I found a specialist who was willing to work with me.  He put me on blood thinning shots every 12 hours, and ultrasounds every 3 weeks to keep constant watch on the baby’s development.  The three areas they were most concerned with were her heart, her lungs and her facial development.  I remember every ultra sound was nerve wrecking.  I would scan the nurse’s face for any glimpse of hope or despair. One time, they couldn’t see a heart valve and they sent us home and told us to come back tomorrow and hopefully the baby had moved position and it would come into view.  I barely made it to the elevator before collapsing in a heap of uncontrollable sobs.
My daughters father was very absent from me emotionally during this time.   He seemed to be pulling away from me more and more every day.  I was forced to carry most of this weight by myself.  He made himself seen at the dr appts but was not around for support between them.  I came to find out near the middle of my pregnancy that he was heavily involved with someone else and was being investigated for domestic violence against her.
I remember the constant emotional pain I felt.  Everything in life seemed wrong and hurtful.  I cried constantly.  I learned how to cry silently at my desk between phone calls.  I was so scared for my daughter and for me.  What would her life would be like, what her health would be like.  But also, what her home life would be like.  I had yet to figure out I could make it without him.  I was carrying the world on my shoulders.  Always a worrier, I ran every possible outcome through my head.  What if she was dis-formed or what if she had medical concerns I couldn’t afford?  What if I left him?  What if he got locked up?  What if all of the above happened at once?
My doctors urged me to reduce my stress; if not for me, for the baby’s health.  But that seemed like an impossible task.  My weight ballooned out of control as food was the only thing offering me any sort of comfort.  My doctor then put my on a restrictive diet as my blood sugar levels demanded attention.
I could not find comfort.  I begged for God to help me. To pick me up and move me away from my life.  Still too stubborn to ask for help to the people around me, I suffered in silence.  I still had more road to walk.  I was not at the end of this journey, but I was beginning to get very tired.

Ya, If you would have seen me 8 years ago….