8 years ago..

My husband made a comment to me yesterday that was pretty simple..
If you would have seen me 8 years ago….
We are newly married and only knew each other for a few months before we got engaged.
I thought back to 8 years ago.   Doesn’t seem so far back, but for both of us apparently it was a different person ago..
Talk about not a pretty time in my life.  8 years ago, I had just found out I had a blood disorder.  I was put on life saving medicine but was warned that I couldn’t conceive while on the medicine.
Well, my body took that as a challenge and I got pregnant.  I remember the day I found out we had stopped to pick up the test and grabbed lunch at McDonalds.  We got home and took the test mid day.  INSTANTLY POSITIVE.  (My ex ordered me to take another test because he felt the Shamrock Shake might deliver false positives… )
Although being pregnant is a blessing, we were very scared about what damage the medicine could have done to the development of the baby.  The first doctor recommended terminating the pregnancy. I couldn’t deal with that answer so I found a specialist who was willing to work with me.  He put me on blood thinning shots every 12 hours, and ultrasounds every 3 weeks to keep constant watch on the baby’s development.  The three areas they were most concerned with were her heart, her lungs and her facial development.  I remember every ultra sound was nerve wrecking.  I would scan the nurse’s face for any glimpse of hope or despair. One time, they couldn’t see a heart valve and they sent us home and told us to come back tomorrow and hopefully the baby had moved position and it would come into view.  I barely made it to the elevator before collapsing in a heap of uncontrollable sobs.
My daughters father was very absent from me emotionally during this time.   He seemed to be pulling away from me more and more every day.  I was forced to carry most of this weight by myself.  He made himself seen at the dr appts but was not around for support between them.  I came to find out near the middle of my pregnancy that he was heavily involved with someone else and was being investigated for domestic violence against her.
I remember the constant emotional pain I felt.  Everything in life seemed wrong and hurtful.  I cried constantly.  I learned how to cry silently at my desk between phone calls.  I was so scared for my daughter and for me.  What would her life would be like, what her health would be like.  But also, what her home life would be like.  I had yet to figure out I could make it without him.  I was carrying the world on my shoulders.  Always a worrier, I ran every possible outcome through my head.  What if she was dis-formed or what if she had medical concerns I couldn’t afford?  What if I left him?  What if he got locked up?  What if all of the above happened at once?
My doctors urged me to reduce my stress; if not for me, for the baby’s health.  But that seemed like an impossible task.  My weight ballooned out of control as food was the only thing offering me any sort of comfort.  My doctor then put my on a restrictive diet as my blood sugar levels demanded attention.
I could not find comfort.  I begged for God to help me. To pick me up and move me away from my life.  Still too stubborn to ask for help to the people around me, I suffered in silence.  I still had more road to walk.  I was not at the end of this journey, but I was beginning to get very tired.

Ya, If you would have seen me 8 years ago….


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