Joy

My Baby Bear is in the back seat talking to me about her day.  We are on the way to school and have been awake for about an hour and half.  I reach for my coffee and realize I have already drank it all.  I feel exhausted.  I look in the mirror (gasp) and wonder why I leave the house looking like this.  like something out of Tales From the Crypt.  I quickly look back at the road..
I am only part way listening to her, if we are being honest.  I am already thinking about dropping her off and then zooming off in the rocket ship to get to work.  Grab a cup of coffee and start the day.
*Don’t forget to email lil bear’s teacher.
*And transfer funds to my husbands account.
*And call the dr.
*And what should we make for dinner tonight?
I am brought back to reality by a glorious sound.  My daughter’s laughter.  It is not a huge chuckle..  It is a little giggle like she has a special secret.  It sounds so precious.
I ask her what is so funny as I look in the rearview mirror and see her face and just.stop.
The look of PURE JOY is across her face.  Do you know the look?  She is lit up, rosy cheeks. a twinkle in her eye and the biggest smile.  She is down right giddy.  What could she have possibly said that brought her so much pleasure?  I haven’t bought her anything.  It isn’t a special holiday, a weekend or even Friday.  We have no special plans that day or really any day coming up.
This is just a random mid-week morning in March in Wisconsin. We are on our way to school.  What do you  have to be so happy about??
And then she tells me. ” Oh, mom.  I was just thinking what I was going to do at recess today.  We have two playgrounds. I was thinking maybe I will play on the big one today.”  She stops and smiles.  “But sometimes they chase you and tag you over there!!!”  AND she giggles all over again. “Or maybe, I will take my coat off because we get hot and run around with my friends and pretend to be fairies!!”
I kiss her on the cheek and she exits the car, off on her new adventure.  She skips up to the school door and turns around and waves at me and blows a kiss.  She disappears inside.
I am sitting alone in the car. And I am afraid to admit to you what I was feeling.  I am jealous.  And a little mad. and very sad..
I can’t tell you the last time I felt that way about ANYTHING!!! And definitely not something so small.  Maybe when we first got engaged.  I was giddy.  I smiled constantly.  But that is a BIG lifetime event..  Not just a Tuesday game of tag.
I am jealous. I don’t know how to find that Joy out of everyday things anymore, if I ever did.
My daughter has always had a special relationship with God.  She tells me she talks to him, or more importantly He talks to her.  She used to look at a sunset  and say “God made it so pretty for us, mommy. ”  Once, when I scolded her for using Jesus’s name as an exclamation she went to prayer and asked Him if he minded.  He said He didn’t….

I wonder if this relationship she has is partly why she is always filled with Joy.  Or if it is because she is 7 and the world really hasn’t done her wrong yet..
Whatever the reason is it makes me sad.  Life is so hard right now.   And I am Jealous of my lil girl.  I am MAD.
I stare at her from within this pit.  It is so dark down here.  And she is smiling at me from the top.   How do I get to her?  How do I find that Joy?

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